I'm On The Lamb, But I Ain't No Sheep..........

Update from my trip, I hear the local sheriff is looking for us. He just wants to ask us a few questions. I guess you know you had a good time when the authorities are looking for ya! Good thing nobody there knows my real name. Told you it was going to be an interesting weekend. Later Y'all.

Ron's Got My Back, He Says I'm Good People...........

The weekend was a blur. I'm not sure if that's because of all the shit I was able to cram into it or because I drank for 14 straight hours. A good time was had by all, well all except the guy that got his face pummeled, though if you're given two chances to walk away from a fight and you don't, you kinda have it coming. I guess leaving the bar in a meatwagon and waking up in the hospital will learn ya a lot of things. I hear he's going to be ok. I knew it would be an interesting weekend though. I'm sure there's a lot more, but that much beer has a way of making you forget things, well that and what happens at the lake, stays at the lake. Later Freaks.



*Edit* I forgot to tell ya about Ron, I guess that's a post for another day, but he's got my back if you were wondering. Told you I had a lot to drink!*Edit*

Yo Ahab........................

Yeah, I got the stuff! I have 4 cans of Libbys pumpkin, I'll be eating pie this year bitches! I make a damn good pumpkin pie and you can't have any! Well, unless you promise to rub it all over your boobs and send me pictures of it! Later Freaks!

Due To The Beneficial Medicine There May Be A Slight Darkening Of The Stool........

I was going to post something last night, I didn't because I was ornery. I think I should have, I'm a lot more entertaining when I'm ornery. I was a little drunk too, which almost always ensures a great post. Well, it does if I remember to hit post and not some other button which deletes everything, not that that's ever happened to me before. Really, it hasn't. You know, this posting regularly is really hard. I just don't really have anything to say today. I made a really good pie yesterday, and I had a few beers. Not much exciting there. I am going drinking with friends this weekend, so there might be some fun shit to write about there, but I'll have to try to remember it and haven't been good at that lately. Maybe I'll be more creative tomorrow, right now I have a massive headache which seems to be sucking the creativity right out of me. Hmmm, I could really use to have something sucked out of me right now, but I digress. I think I have to work on curing this aneurysm before I'll be able to write something that doesn't make me want to print it out and wipe my ass with it. I guess I'll be chatting with y'all a bit later. Happy thoughts y'all. Later Freaks!

Eat Me!!

I just called someone out for not keeping up with her blogging and then I realized it had been almost a week since I had blogged. So I'm posting even though I don't have much to blog about. I've been off of work all week so I've been getting to watch tv during the day and I'm coming to realize that there's absolutely nothing on. I don't have cable or satellite because I'm not paying the man when I can get incredible programming like "12 Corazones" for free! Yesterday they had all midgets on! I mean, where else can you see midgets dancing with a stripper pole! That shit is spectacular! Though I don't just watch Telemundo, I like the PBS programming too. I love the cooking shows on there. There's one with this hott assed Swedish babe, Tina Nordstrom that's friggin' awesome. She sets up a stove on a glacier or a mountain top or something and cooks a bunch of stuff using lingenberries and vodka. I'm not sure what a lingenberry is but I'd eat anything that woman cooked! I guess she's kind of a big star in her home country, she won the Swedish dancing with the stars. Just another reason to love Swedish chicks, as if I needed another reason! Other than watching hot Swedish chefs and stripper pole dancing midgets I've had a pretty uneventful week. I haven't even been drinking much beer, I did get to the bar the other night, but I held back a bit. Ok, well I guess this could be considered a post so, Later Freaks!

I Left My Wallet In El Segundo

I tried adding a chat thingie to my blog tonight. I couldn't find one that wasn't filled with ads and a bunch of insidious shit, so I gave up. I'm also pretty sure that there's never more than one person here at a time anyway, and while I have fun chatting with myself, I'm not sure anyone else does. There's times when I'll send myself emails from work and well, yeah, I think I'm in the minority here. I guess I'm just easily amused. Speaking of that, I need another beer! I'm hoping I have more in the other fridge, because I drank all of the ones I had upstairs. I want bacon. My head is stuffed up. I just woke up, there's a gap in time from this sentence to the one before this of about 40 mins. I think I was dreaming. Right now I'm listening to some fucked up "ambient" shit on Shoutcast with my headphones. That really helps out in the weird dream department. My beer is warm now! Damn it! I'm going to drink it anyway because I don't want to walk downstairs to see if there's anymore. Another 5 min gap. I had to pee and since I was up, I went downstairs and there are 3 more beers left. Well, three more that I'll drink. There's some Bud Light with Lime shit, but I won't touch that crap, I may cook my brats in it, but even that's pushing it! Saturday Night Live is a lot funnier if you put headphones on and listen to "ambient" techno while watching it. Hmm, I think I need to end this post. For some reason I can type really fucking fast right now, but it's just a bunch of sentences that really aren't very coherent. Taylor Swift's dancing looks really funny with techno in the background. She's on SNL if you weren't following along here tonight. I think there's someone speaking German backwards now. I'm hungry, though I shouldn't eat anything, it's late. But I'm going to anyway. I want bacon, but I think I'll have to settle for hummus and garlic pita chips. Later Freaks.

Ok, I nodded off again, but I think it was only for about 5 mins, SNL is still on. I'm going to end this now, and grab a beer and some hummus. Hummus smells like vomit, but it tastes good. Come to think of it, it smells like vomit and looks like poop, but I eat it anyway. Hmm, what else is there that smells and looks a little bad but I eat it anyway..............oh yeah, cheese!!

I almost forgot!!!!

I have a follower now!!! Look, right over there, no to the right of this post! She's kinda easy on the eyes too! C'mon, I know the rest of you readers want to follow me too. That is all, as you were.

Cleansing Ale

I just got back from the all you can eat Chinese place up the road. Gotta love the spicy pork! Now I have almost nothing to do for the rest of the day here at work. I really need a fucking beer now. I nice cool pint of cleansing ale would be just peachy right 'bout now. I need to get shitfaced soon. It's been a while. The weather is supposed to be really nice tonight, I don't think it's supposed to get below freezing. I think I should have a fire in the backyard tonight and dance around it without any under-britches on or something cool like that. I'm trying really hard to think of something funny to write about right now, but I think I need a nap first. I promise that if I get shined up on the barley pop tonight I'll do a post. Later Freaks.

*no misspellings found* I kick ass!!

FYI

It's not safe to hit the next blog button at work anymore! I mean I like looking at a young lady with sharpie markers sticking out of her ass as much as the next guy, but I'm not sure my shoulder surfing coworkers are ready for that kind of entertainment. Though I do think my comment about her farting rainbows did kind of make up for it though. Later Freaks

Hello My Brothers................................

Please remember: Friendship is a weakness.
That is all. Later Y'all

Nothing To Read Here

I'm bored, really fucking bored. I'm at work and have absolutely nothing to do. I've been drinking too much coffee just to try to pass the time. Hey, it's says right over there that I don't have any followers! Why the hell not?! Is it because I don't write anything of substance here? Or because I don't post any naked pics of myself? I think I want some followers. I won't make you drink any laced Kool Aid or anything, but you may have to release all your worldly possessions to me. Well, at least all your money and bacon. Ok, well I'm going to go walk around now and try to think of something worthwhile to write about, though that's hard when I have nothing going on. I am going camping this weekend, I will be drinking a lot, so maybe next week I'll have something to write about. We'll see. I'd say that I'd post pictures of the trip, but that's not going to happen, well unless you all send pics of your naked boobies. yeah, that would work. Later Y'all.

Hey Y'all

I'm gonna get 'shined up tonight and burn stuff! Just thought you'd want to know. If I'm feeling frisky I may even dance around the fire sans clothing. I don't think the new neighbors have had that pleasure yet. Other than that not much new 'round these parts. Keep it real yo, I'm gonna go gleam the cube. Later Y'all!

Yeah, Whatever...............

Today is just one of those days. I hate people, I don't trust anyone anymore. I don't feel any need to open up to anyone anymore, people will just fuck you over anyway.

What You Looking At!?

So I'm sitting at a stoplight the other day, just kinda looking around and I notice a woman a lane over from me. She's really cute, I'm guesing about my age, driving a mini-van looking a little frazzled. I admit I was kind of staring at her. I find women my age hot, I know, hard to believe, but I like women in their late thirties and early forties. They never believe me when I say it, but I love the way they look. Now don't get me wrong I do find younger women attractive, but I find women my age just as attractive. But that isn't why this story is funny. Ok, while I'm zoning out thinking about taking all this woman's clothes off and doing things to her that are illegal in most southern states, I notice a much younger woman in the lane right next to me, staring at me. She was VERY cute, driving a hot little sports car, windows down, music up, and she was looking at me and smiling really big. At first I couldn't figure out why she was looking at me like that, then I realized I was looking right past her at the cute mom in the mini-van and not even really noticing her, but she thought I was. After a few seconds we all took off and went our separate ways, and I was thinking, even if the younger woman was interested, I'm not sure I could date her. I don't think we'd have anything in common. All there would be is sex. And I don't know how long you can sustain a relationship on just sex..........hours of it, hot sweaty sex............her tight little body climbing all over mine..................willing to try anything new...............day in and day out................just sex.................wait a minute! This post was supposed to be how I find women my age just as hot, and I still do, always will! But I may have to rethink that not wanting to date a younger woman thing, not that any of them would have me, but just in case...........................;-) Later

Things I've Learned The Hard Way...................

If you don't know how old the meat is in the fridge, don't eat it.
Don't pick at that scab.
Don't pretend to mug your 75 year old aunt on a busy street corner.
Before asking the person knocking on the bathroom door to "come on in, even though I don't have any pants on", make sure it's not the guy that signs your check at work.
When you're really drunk, don't promise anything to someone that isn't, they'll remember.
Put the camera away when you're really drunk.
Don't smoke a bunch of weed right after you drink a bunch of beer.
40 degree water hurts when you jump into it.
Gasoline and lighters don't mix.
Skateboards are dangerous at speeds over 35mph.
Don't skate drunk........well at least wear pads if you do.
When the dentist says it's going to hurt.......a lot, believe him.
You can get sunburned even when it's cold out, that was an odd shade of purple.
Don't tell some guy you don't know "I love you man!" They don't usually find it as funny as you do.
Dancing is for other people.
When a woman says, "tell me the truth" that really isn't what she means.
If you ask a woman "what do you want for (your birthday/Christmas/ whatever holiday you have to buy them gifts)" and they say "nothing", again, not what they really mean!!
Light fuse and get away......................really, get the hell away!!
Stop drinking the homemade beer if your lips get numb.
Don't try to get to the "downstairs" bathroom if you have the stomach flu.
Nobody but you, has your own best interests in mind. Not funny, but damn true.
If you hit yourself in the thumb with a hammer two times in a row, find a new way to do what you're doing. Ohh, and get some ice, because your thumb is going to turn purple and get really big.
Really spicy foods burn going in AND going out.
Don't barf up Doritos.
Don't drink bottled beer in the shower, the glass gets slippery and cleaning up glass naked sucks. Drink beer out of cans in the shower.
I'm sure there's more, and I KNOW the list isn't done getting added to, but there ya have it. Try to learn from my mistakes, I probably haven't.

A Sad Day For All...........................

RIP Marilyn Chambers

Hey Y'all!!!

I had a really funny post I was going to write tonight, I was thinking about it all day and now that I'm home, it's not going to happen. I started drinking and I'm watching "12 Corazones" on Telemundo. I have no fucking idea what the point is of this show, but I love it! The host is fricking hot, and they have all these hot latin women on there too. I think it might be a dating show, but I just watch it for the chicks, gotta love those Mexican women! Did I ever tell you that my first two real girlfriends were Mexican? No? Well that's a story for another post. I think someone just won on the show, she's kissing one of the dudes now, at least I think they won something. Did I mention I love this show!? I have to go, now they've got the chick with the big boobs riding a fake horse!!! Later Freaks!

REO Speedwagon.......................

The other day someone said, "hey man, why the hell do you drive a station wagon?" My answer was the obvious one, of course! Because chicks dig it! Why the hell else do you do anything in this world. Guys don't become rockstars because they love the music, it's to get the girlies man. And since I can't play guitar, I drive a station wagon. If a chick seems on the edge about the wagon, I just remind her of the 5000lb towing capacity and then she's all over me! Some guys can't handle the attention that the wagon brings but I'm learning to live with it. Some days it's a curse, but nobody ever said it was easy being me. Later freaks.

Don't invite the Devil in, he'll drink all your beer, I think..................

I was going to write something really fucking funny here, but I forgot what it was. It may have something to do with the beer I've already had to drink, but I don't think so. My grandma used to say that if you forgot what you were going to say it must have been a lie. But then again when I was about 7 years old the wind blew the door open and I jokingly said "come on in" and she yelled at me and said that if the door opens by itself it's the devil trying to get in. And she really believed it! No, that doesn't scare the shit out of a 7 year old kid! Not at all. So I guess I'm just telling you don't invite the devil into your house, or something. Because she said the devil can only get in if you invite him. Ok, I need some more beer. I'm spending some time with 36 of my friends tonight, they're blue and 12 fl.ozs. Later freaks, time to start the bonfire and get fitshaced! I may take some video! But I can't post that here, then you'd know just how fucking pretty I was!

I Wanna Be Your Dog............................

Last night my youngest daughter had a friend over, they're both 4. I noticed that she was leading him around on a leash. I was going to tell her to stop. Then I thought,get used to it kid, that shit's never gonna change.

Say Cheese!!!

I have a hard time falling asleep. I need to be really tired before I even think about getting in bed. Even then it's a crapshoot as to whether I'll actually fall asleep right away or not. On a good night I lie in bed for at least 15 or 20 mins before I fall asleep. On my weekend out of town, I had to go to bed when everyone else did. That was at about 10:45pm both nights. I was not tired! I suppose I could have stayed up, but all the friggin lights were turned off. The other fun little thing was that we all slept in the same room, in rows of bunk beds. Men and women, all in bunkbeds, kids were in the other room. After about 5 mins of the lights being out, I can tell that EVERYONE is asleep. I always wondered how normal people fell asleep. Well, lying there bored I had a lot of time to think. Of course my mind isn't going to think about nice normal stuff. Did I mention that I had nothing in common with these people. I started thinking about about how fucking funny it would be to take pictures of everyone while they were sleeping, and then showing them in the morning. Just say something like, "wow dude you make a really funny face while you sleep..........wanna see?" then show him the picture of him sleeping. Even better would be the shot that everybody does when they're trying to get a selfportrait with a friend, you know the face smooshed together pic, do one of those and show them that. There I am in bed, the symphony of snoring going on around me and I'm trying not to laugh. I'm guessing it might not look any better with me giggling in my bunk, in the dark, by myself. Now don't get me wrong, they were all good fine Americans, I just didn't have anything in common with them. Now just in case you were wondering I didn't take any pictures that night, and I did eventually fall asleep. Other than that, my weekend was pretty fucking boring. Later Y'all. I'm 10-99.

Hello Group..................

My name is Jack and I drink too much...............................he e he he he, ha ha ha ha ha ah aah ahahh ah ha ha ha ha ha !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah fuck off! I need another beer y'all!!! I was just sitting here, drinking and reading poetry. Yep, reading poetry. Now I want another beer..................and some bacon. I love bacon. And boobies! Though who doesn't love cured meats and boobies! My fucking beer is empty!!!! I have more in the fridge in the basement. I just have to go get them. I'm not sure how many I have left though, I've been drinking since noon. Now before you lambaste me for not doing anything today I did snow blow my driveway and put a new battery in my car all before noon today. If that battery doesn't fix my car I'm going to drive it off a fucking cliff, and I may just not jump out before it goes off! Where the hell is my beer!! I need an assistant to go get me a beer! I'm fucking thirsty! I just had to delete part of my post because I hit spell check and I couldn't figure out what the hell I was trying to spell. It gave me a bunch of options and none of them made sense. If you really loved me you'd fight for me. I think I'm going down to get a few more beers now. I hope I have some left. I'll let you know how that goes when I get back......................................................Only two left, if I want to continue drinking I may have to start on the Absolute. I'm hungry now. I think I still have some chips and guacamole that I made today. I make really good guacamole. How can I spell guacamole correctly and not be able to figure out what I was trying to spell earlier? I don't know! I guess I should end this soon. I really don't think I'm making any sense. I need a shower. I like to think in the shower, and I've had a lot to think about lately. Ok, I think I'm done. I need guacamole now. Ohhhh, and beer! Later Y'all.

The Best Laid Plans....................

Yeah, the big plans for the new year are already in the shitter. By the way, my weekend out of town was pretty damn boring! I survived though. I did get to see a really col ice storm blow in late one night. I had to go get something out of my car, which was just code for " I have to get the hell out of this cabin or I'm going to skin and quarter all of you boring freaks!" But I digress. On my way down to my car which was about a half mile down the trail, I could see some really, really dark clouds blowing in really fast. The temperature was dropping fast with the 45 mile an hour winds that were howling through the massive red cedars lining the path. I could feel the rain starting to sting my face, and it was freezing instantly on my jacket. The only light you could see was from distant lights reflecting off the snow, the sky was pitch black. On my way back to the cabin, I walked up on the ridge above the lake and stood there for a long time with the wind and rain hitting me in the face, not wanting to leave. My face and ears were stinging, my fingers getting numb, but I wanted to stay there all night................feeling. I wanted to share those sensations with someone, it's not something you can describe, I tried, but going back and reading this, I did poorly to convey just how intense the sensations I was experiencing were. I did have to go back in, I thought about telling someone there, but they wouldn't understand.